Well knock me over and call me Susan….

     ….the response to my fledgling machine service and repair business has been a tad more overwhelming than anticipated, hence the lack of posting since “Back in the room”! With that and the weather allowing an upturn in the gardening side of things I have been running around like a headless chicken of late, a bloody cold headless chick at that, trying to keep on top of things and provide folk with a reliable and almost friendly service. I have to admit that although I have been as busy as feck I have yet to see much fruit in the form of profit from this new venture as I seem to be buying more and more tools for the business, some to replace stuff that’s not up to standard and others that I do not possess. Also I am finding that when ordering a service kit I am tending to order multiple so as to cut down on the turn around time for returning machinery. It is certainly a struggle to get my head around the demand and I am definitely learning to be far more organised, although not as well as I should be.

    In other news I have a doctor’s appointment in a couple or so weeks (must remember to check the date and time). I have, of late, been consumed with why the hell I can be so bleeding difficult to live with, making life for the lovely G somewhat of a struggle at times. I have had a tendency to blame my mental health, i.e. my depression but lately I starting thinking that perhaps that was taking an easy way out to explain some (if not a hell of a lot) of my behaviour. I shalt not go into detail at this point except to say that at least I am not a twat bad person, but sometimes I feel that G could merrily take a shotgun to my head causing death via much deserved (probably) lead poisoning.

     I read an article about ADHD within adults and it listed many of the telltale signs associated with it. I reckon that on that list of probably 25 to 30 markers I could happily associate with ninety per cent of them, mmmmm. Being the sceptical little bugger that I am I decided to research more sources of information and the penny began the droppeth, albeit with a very heavy thud. I talked to G about this and although she did not laugh there was a certain shine in eyes when she said that she had been thinking this for a very long time but was loath to mention it as I have a habit of brushing my health off and also blaming my depression. Soooo…we have arranged a visit to the doctor’s with the view of discussing the possibility of me having ADHD and being referred to the appropriate experts in the field.

    Funny enough the realisation that I may have ADHD has not have a negative effect on my state of mind , rather quite the opposite. For years I have blamed outside influences for some of my behavioural patterns. Whether it was the Black Dog of depression or the effects of my past life, but the fact that there may well be a reason for the way I am at times and that knowledge, instead of myself trying but unable to explain myself  has indeed given me a lift. Nothing is certain yet and we shall see where this journey may lead, but I am hopeful that better times are ahead.

Back in the room….

       Well I guess I owe you gentle readers an apology and an explanation for my tardiness and lack of posts lately. I shall then release you from the torment of wondering and avail you of the reason. It is quite simple really, a while ago I managed to blag my way into an appointment with my local GP, which is quite an achievement within itself m’thinks, I had done someone to my lower back which prevented me from working and getting any sleep whatsoever no matter what position I assumed within the bed (steady now I am referring to positions of sleep and nothing more).

     Whilst discussing my ailing and decrepit body’s symptoms, my GP was also reviewed my medical history being as it had been a good few years since my last visit. She noted that I was still on the maximum dose of happy pills (anti depressants) at which point I had to sheepishly admit to a little bit of self medication in that I had reduced my dosage during covid. The reason for this action was that I had simply not been ‘present in the room’ and it was having a hugely negative effect upon my relationship with my beloved G. I didn’t know what was the cause of my mental absence but I desperately needed to do something before I lost everything. I have been down that rabbit hole in the past and I could not face it again, and the fear of it just forced my hand to do something. The only thing I could think of was my medication so I reduced it with the knowledge that reducing my dosage could lead to other problems. 

     My GP asked me by how much I had reduced it by noting that anything more than a ten per cent drop could really cause a person some adverse reactions and symptoms that can last for a couple of weeks at the the least. She was definitely right about the negative effects for when I had reduced my medication did I bloody well suffer, not sleeping at all to sleeping all day, appetite varying immensely from day to day and generally feeling like a bag of camel poo. But it worked, even though I was feeling crap it was more physical than mental and as the days past, I became more and more ‘with it’, so to speak. When pressed I admitted to actually halving my medication, well it was the easiest option being as my daily 200mg prescribed dosage was in two 100mg tablets!

      With a wry smile she asked if I was prepared to reduce my dosage again being as I was coping ok on my present dosage to which I agreed. With a rather sinister smile she said that my new prescription would take effect when the present one ran out. I asked her how much of a reduction and she replied “oh fifty per cent should do the trick”. To be honest she was not as glib as I make out and we did discuss the issue in more depth and as to whether or not I would cope. So agreeing to the reduction with the caveat that I would contact her immediately if I felt it was affecting my health adversely with the view of returning immediately to my previous levels of happy pills, we discussed my aching back.

     And finally we come to the reason for the absence of myself from the blogosphere. Two or three weeks ago my ‘new’ medication started and guess what? Yep I have been feeling crap for some time and have only just started feeling myself once more (well at least one of my selves). I admit that I came close to going back to the former level but I am nothing if not a right stubborn bugger and I feel that in this case my stubbornness has paid off handsomely. Sleep patterns are far improved, diet is good (and relatively healthy) and I am no longer getting through the working day (and evening but I’ll address that in another post). Oh and my back is relatively ok, it’s just the rest of me that’s bolloxed!

     So there you have it, my absence explained and I am now back in the room as they say, though who the bloody hell “they” are I don’t have the foggiest!

John