Status

      Sitting here on the sofa feeling pretty much the lowest I have felt for some considerable time. Things have been a little fraught of late, and when I say of late it probably really means over the last year or so to be honest. There just doesn’t seem to be a time when I catch a break and that I am trapped in a vicious cycle of events that seem to conspire to drag me back to the abyss of the Black Dog. There have been so many things going on, one after another, in what feels like an endless stream of events determined to bring me down. I shall not be listing these events as many are personal to myself and G but suffice to say they are genuinely sapping the joy of life out of me and at this present moment in time it is very hard to see a way of breaking the cycle.

    I write these words not for sympathy, comments or even recognition but rather to just put some thoughts and a reference down on electronic paper in an effort to make sense of where I am at this moment in time and hopefully to document the process of change and possibly improvement that may be of some help in the future to others who also suffer with their mental health. To this end I am going to try and write at least weekly with the good, bad and to be honest the shite that is happening here in John’s world. 

     The actual effort to return here and re-open up this electronic diary in itself is actually a small step that has been extremely hard to take, but perhaps simply putting thoughts here for all and sundry to read maybe will be the start of something….probably not though.

Coping….

      I am most definitely lacking in motivation of late, there are some personal family issues afoot, the weather has not helped, being mostly grey and damp whilst work has been uninspiring to say the least. I most definitely require a rocket up my arse or at the very least a damn good talking too because if this sloth like countenance of mine continues I know full well that the Black Dog will come sniffing around sensing its chance to get into my head once more.

     Fortunately though I am at least aware of the telltale signs that all is not well within my cranium which thankfully tells me that the Bitch Noir has not yet sunk her teeth into my mind as yet. If she had then I know from bitter experience that I would not comprehend that I was under her control once more and my mental and physical strength would spiral into the depths unchecked and I’ll be bloody well damned if I’m to allow that to happen again, so what to do….

      I think that I have already achieved the first step, and that is realising that I am struggling a bit mentally. Without this realisation then it is easy to perpetuate a downward spiral and recovery becomes so much more difficult. Having realised the danger I now need to motivate myself and get back into the simple regime of eating well and regularly, pushing myself to work consistently and regaining a sensible sleep pattern. Part of the reason why I’m struggling to maintain these simple steps is that my beloved G is down south at the moment for reasons and privacy I shall not discuss here, but suffice to say that I do struggle when my ‘rock’ is absent for some time.

     I do know that by implementing the simple steps I have mentioned it brings a sense of order to my days and I will be able to cope better.  True, it is very difficult when one starts feeling the downward spiral at one’s feet but picking up on the telltale signs is of importance if you are to put a coping mechanism into place. I find that when this happens to me and I realise that my mind is in danger of failing me once more, my first reaction these days is to get angry at myself. Not a savage rage of swearing and lashing out but rather a quiet, simmering anger within myself after realising that I have fallen again. This anger spurs my mind through the encroaching fog and helps me focus on putting one foot in front of the other so the speak. I suppose anger works for me as I am a black n white thinking caveman and it is the rawest of emotions that have the most effect upon me.

     So simple steps it is starting tonight with a relatively early night and the setting of an alarm to ensure I arise at respectable time in the morning. Work tomorrow is uncertain as the weather this evening is grim to say the least but if it is not to be gardening (hedge cutting is on the agenda) then I have two machines, a petrol powered cement mixer and concrete saw, that require my delicate touch (that’ll be the one pound hammer then) plus a couple of other small two stroke machines that need fault diagnosis and suitable parts ordered. 

     So that is basically my early warning coping strategy when the signs are caught in time, basically resetting myself to return to a simple daily routine from which other steps can then be taken. If they hadn’t been recognised in a timely fashion then I would not be writing these words as my mind would have slowly shut out the world around me. Dramatic? No most definitely not, just part of my life living with the Black Dog of depression and always trying to be aware of it sneaking back into my head. Apologies if this post is jumbled or not easily read but it’s just a help at times writing down these thoughts when my mood lowers.

     Oh and the start of regular meals is planned for the morning….bacon, egg, tomato, mushrooms and black pudding oh yes.

John

     

Visitor from the past?...

     Well I must say that I am now finding this weather bloody tedious at the moment and it is causing me to struggle keeping positive somewhat. I mentioned in a previous post about my lack of finances after yule, a problem no doubt felt by many, but not actually being able to do something about it because of the weather and unable to see my out of this particular hole anytime soon is a bugger. I must admit to feeling that it would not take much for me to drop to the point where the Black Dog will begin gnawing upon the bones of my mind. I suppose one positive is that at the moment I am still aware of my state of mind and the cause of my gloom. It is when I become unconscious of my state of mind the issue becomes a very major thing.

    With these gloomy thoughts I headed up to the workshop to hopefully clear some more small space. I leave the door open when I am in residence at the moment, hopefully the view of the mounds of  "useful items" seen through the entrance, piled very high now as the nerve center (the bit where I sit, think and drink copious amounts of coffee) becomes more steadily more clear, will deter even the most determined thief from pilfering from me. I actually am beginning to think that said thieves may even take pity and start offering donations for the restoration of the Orc's Workshop, well a Welshman only can dream. There is another reason for leaving the door open though it alerts my neighbors that I am in residence and a couple of them do like to come over for a chat once in awhile, usually to escape from their wives I believe, so it is nice to provide a useful public service. Also as previously mentioned the workshop is in such a bloody cold hole at this time of year, I think that the open door may even make it warmer some strange and mystic way.

     As I dragged another box to be sorted the piping call of a Robin could be heard, looking up I espied him upon one of the roofs rafters. I am one that believes that Robins perhaps carry the soul of a loved one lost so I am always warmed to see one, especially when one is very near me. I moved over to one of the boxes of wild bird seed that I fill my feeders in the garden with and place a handful of seed on its lid. Literally the cheeky sod was on the box before I had taken two steps away and quite happily began feeding as if I was not there at all. The present spat of weather is obviously being hard on the wildlife as well as my mind. After a few moments watching him I returned to the box I had dragged out to sort to find it full of my father's old tools that had been there since I had cleared his shed out after his passing a few years ago. Normally the sight of them would bring me pangs of regret and sadness at his loss but as I bent over the box I looked up to see that the Robin had flitted to within a couple of feet and was regarding me with his bright eyes. Coincidence possibly, I honestly do not know and as we regarded each other I just felt good inside, I have no other words to describe it but just "good inside". Within a few heartbeats he returned to the box lid and I resumed my sorting but with perhaps the smallest spring in my step, make of this what you will but I have a feeling that not everything can be explained with logic nor with science.

Workshop visit 

     As for the workshop,  well at least one area is now clear enough for my to start actually being productive so after posting this I shall be advertising my garden machinery servicing and repair service upon Facebook market place. I am also going to sort out some of my timber this weekend, for pieces suitable  for the construction of bird boxes, starting with sparrow terraces, and general roosting boxes (both bird and bat) m'thinks. So at least I can now be occupied with that and hopefully the pennies will start coming in again.

Space to breathe at last

    Tomorrow be another day (obviously duh!) and G is off so I think a visit to the local fish & chip shop is in order and we can also spend time together planning the year ahead (she does like a list does G). Yes I know a visit to the chippy restaurant may not be the healthiest of options but I am not sacrificing small, once in awhile pleasures as these are the things that help life bearable at times. Also sitting in there people watching, especially in Wrexham, can sometimes be hilarious and also the majority of the clientele are of the blue rinse brigade and it is not often I can go somewhere this days and feel positively spritely.

til the next time be good or at least careful..

John

End of year….

    Well that's just about the end of another year and I cannot say that I am sorry to see the backside of it. It just seems to have been one of those periods of time when if it can go wrong it bloody well will do so (as have the years before it), whole heartedly arse and good riddance to it is what I say. Because I have only recently started to scribe once more on these hallowed pages the events of the last few years are not 'out there' and I don't think that I shall be trawling them up from the depths of time to recount them with you for the past is now done, the future lies ahead and the now is the important part m'thinks. If I do manage to continue scribing here I may well recount to you some of the events of the past for context to some of my tales, but we shall see.

    Tis a funny time of year this be, I am always very low at Christmas yet the few days betwixt Yule and the waxing of the New Year fill me with some hope that life will become easier but at the same time I still hear the Black Dog just whispering in my minds ear that it will never be plain sailing. Within these in-between days I have managed a couple of days of work, much to the protests of my back and knees and I am thinking that there is going to be plenty more of the same with the forecast of more stormy weather coming our way. Perhaps the northern gods have sent the storms as a reward for me not giving up as yet, or perhaps it is just global warming? Whichever it is I am grateful for the chance to earn some coppers for my purse, and I am thinking that Odin is perhaps keeping an eye out for me (well he is not likely to keep two out is he!)

    But there is indeed a decided difference to my mindset as I look to the coming year that is hard for me to put into words. But perhaps it is suffice to say that I feel within my not so youthful body, a yearning to make it better, happier and more piratey, gar. After all the Northern gods do not look fondly upon those who just lie down on life's road without a bloody good fight do they. 

    Oh and just a quick update on the Orc's Workshop, as well as some more tidying in the between days I have repaired and sold this heavy duty strimmer...

    And already have my next project on the bench, although this one is no quick fix as a total refurbishment and rebuilt is required and coupled with the fact that it was stripped to its present state at least two years ago so finding the parts and fitting them back into the puzzle should be fun, not....

    So finally it is just left for me to wish you all a New Year that smiles upon you and yours and grants you peace, health, happiness and the chance for a little piracy.

    Hopefully I will see you in the year ahead for more tall tales and unwarranted ramblings..

John