Coping….

      I am most definitely lacking in motivation of late, there are some personal family issues afoot, the weather has not helped, being mostly grey and damp whilst work has been uninspiring to say the least. I most definitely require a rocket up my arse or at the very least a damn good talking too because if this sloth like countenance of mine continues I know full well that the Black Dog will come sniffing around sensing its chance to get into my head once more.

     Fortunately though I am at least aware of the telltale signs that all is not well within my cranium which thankfully tells me that the Bitch Noir has not yet sunk her teeth into my mind as yet. If she had then I know from bitter experience that I would not comprehend that I was under her control once more and my mental and physical strength would spiral into the depths unchecked and I’ll be bloody well damned if I’m to allow that to happen again, so what to do….

      I think that I have already achieved the first step, and that is realising that I am struggling a bit mentally. Without this realisation then it is easy to perpetuate a downward spiral and recovery becomes so much more difficult. Having realised the danger I now need to motivate myself and get back into the simple regime of eating well and regularly, pushing myself to work consistently and regaining a sensible sleep pattern. Part of the reason why I’m struggling to maintain these simple steps is that my beloved G is down south at the moment for reasons and privacy I shall not discuss here, but suffice to say that I do struggle when my ‘rock’ is absent for some time.

     I do know that by implementing the simple steps I have mentioned it brings a sense of order to my days and I will be able to cope better.  True, it is very difficult when one starts feeling the downward spiral at one’s feet but picking up on the telltale signs is of importance if you are to put a coping mechanism into place. I find that when this happens to me and I realise that my mind is in danger of failing me once more, my first reaction these days is to get angry at myself. Not a savage rage of swearing and lashing out but rather a quiet, simmering anger within myself after realising that I have fallen again. This anger spurs my mind through the encroaching fog and helps me focus on putting one foot in front of the other so the speak. I suppose anger works for me as I am a black n white thinking caveman and it is the rawest of emotions that have the most effect upon me.

     So simple steps it is starting tonight with a relatively early night and the setting of an alarm to ensure I arise at respectable time in the morning. Work tomorrow is uncertain as the weather this evening is grim to say the least but if it is not to be gardening (hedge cutting is on the agenda) then I have two machines, a petrol powered cement mixer and concrete saw, that require my delicate touch (that’ll be the one pound hammer then) plus a couple of other small two stroke machines that need fault diagnosis and suitable parts ordered. 

     So that is basically my early warning coping strategy when the signs are caught in time, basically resetting myself to return to a simple daily routine from which other steps can then be taken. If they hadn’t been recognised in a timely fashion then I would not be writing these words as my mind would have slowly shut out the world around me. Dramatic? No most definitely not, just part of my life living with the Black Dog of depression and always trying to be aware of it sneaking back into my head. Apologies if this post is jumbled or not easily read but it’s just a help at times writing down these thoughts when my mood lowers.

     Oh and the start of regular meals is planned for the morning….bacon, egg, tomato, mushrooms and black pudding oh yes.

John