Coping….

      I am most definitely lacking in motivation of late, there are some personal family issues afoot, the weather has not helped, being mostly grey and damp whilst work has been uninspiring to say the least. I most definitely require a rocket up my arse or at the very least a damn good talking too because if this sloth like countenance of mine continues I know full well that the Black Dog will come sniffing around sensing its chance to get into my head once more.

     Fortunately though I am at least aware of the telltale signs that all is not well within my cranium which thankfully tells me that the Bitch Noir has not yet sunk her teeth into my mind as yet. If she had then I know from bitter experience that I would not comprehend that I was under her control once more and my mental and physical strength would spiral into the depths unchecked and I’ll be bloody well damned if I’m to allow that to happen again, so what to do….

      I think that I have already achieved the first step, and that is realising that I am struggling a bit mentally. Without this realisation then it is easy to perpetuate a downward spiral and recovery becomes so much more difficult. Having realised the danger I now need to motivate myself and get back into the simple regime of eating well and regularly, pushing myself to work consistently and regaining a sensible sleep pattern. Part of the reason why I’m struggling to maintain these simple steps is that my beloved G is down south at the moment for reasons and privacy I shall not discuss here, but suffice to say that I do struggle when my ‘rock’ is absent for some time.

     I do know that by implementing the simple steps I have mentioned it brings a sense of order to my days and I will be able to cope better.  True, it is very difficult when one starts feeling the downward spiral at one’s feet but picking up on the telltale signs is of importance if you are to put a coping mechanism into place. I find that when this happens to me and I realise that my mind is in danger of failing me once more, my first reaction these days is to get angry at myself. Not a savage rage of swearing and lashing out but rather a quiet, simmering anger within myself after realising that I have fallen again. This anger spurs my mind through the encroaching fog and helps me focus on putting one foot in front of the other so the speak. I suppose anger works for me as I am a black n white thinking caveman and it is the rawest of emotions that have the most effect upon me.

     So simple steps it is starting tonight with a relatively early night and the setting of an alarm to ensure I arise at respectable time in the morning. Work tomorrow is uncertain as the weather this evening is grim to say the least but if it is not to be gardening (hedge cutting is on the agenda) then I have two machines, a petrol powered cement mixer and concrete saw, that require my delicate touch (that’ll be the one pound hammer then) plus a couple of other small two stroke machines that need fault diagnosis and suitable parts ordered. 

     So that is basically my early warning coping strategy when the signs are caught in time, basically resetting myself to return to a simple daily routine from which other steps can then be taken. If they hadn’t been recognised in a timely fashion then I would not be writing these words as my mind would have slowly shut out the world around me. Dramatic? No most definitely not, just part of my life living with the Black Dog of depression and always trying to be aware of it sneaking back into my head. Apologies if this post is jumbled or not easily read but it’s just a help at times writing down these thoughts when my mood lowers.

     Oh and the start of regular meals is planned for the morning….bacon, egg, tomato, mushrooms and black pudding oh yes.

John

     

Why do I write? …..

     I have been asking myself this question on and off for some time now. On the surface it appears to be quite a simple question with simple answers perhaps including ….I want to make money, I want to be famous, I want to be popular, I want to change the world and many others answers of a similar ilk. But here’s the rub, I don’t particularly like people and I am seldom affected by their opinions of me, the world (and I mean humankind here) is not going to be changed by a grumpy and rotund caveman scribing a few ill thought out musings upon t’internet, I know damn well that I will never make money from this malarkey and I definitely do not wish to be famous as I’d rather pass through the streets unnoticed and unhindered (I am also of the opinion that folk who actively seek out fame are probably a tad unhinged).

     So this leaves me pondering as why is it that I keep returning to these pages and scribing my thoughts to a distinctly small audience (ahh do I secretly wish for greater acceptance and a huge following?). If it is not for fame, fortune and world domination then why the hell do I write? Perhaps there is a part within me that wishes to connect with others but also wishes to be able to keep them at arms length, maybe there is a inner child that wants to be rewarded and told he’s “a good boy”, maybe I secretly dream of earning wealth beyond measure from the deft strokes of my electronic quill or perhaps there are so many facets to a persons mind that no one answer will be completely satisfactory. 

    When all is said and done I do achieve a certain pleasure writing, I find the act of it enjoyable (well mostly) and usually relaxing. Putting my random thoughts down on electronic papyrus helps to clear and focus a mind that is usually a swirling maelstrom of thoughts and ideas that sometimes stop all my inertia by overloading my brain (yes both cells). I know that my diction is limited and that I will never write a world renowned blog but that is not the point. If my simple words reach and help one troubled soul in this ever demanding and maddening world bringing to them a smile and a moment of peace then hey it’s a win. Writing does bring me a little peace and readings t’others thoughts does the same, even (though rarely) cracking my miserable countenance with the barest resemblance of a smile. 

    So the answer to the question is simple after all, it just simply helps.

John

Autumn….

       Autumn…this is absolutely my favourite time of year. Each season has its own appeal but Autumn, in my opinion is by far the most wonderful and special time of the year. There is something so sensually appealing about Autumn and the way it continually assaults my senses.

     The smell of Autumn is of damp soil, rotting leaves, smoke from garden fires and the intoxicating aroma of stinking hot coffee from my flask that is a staple of my gardening equipment from this time of year until the heat of late spring bans it to the cupboard once more. These scents just flare my nostrils in an attempt to drag all the wonderful aromas of this time of year through my nostrils dragging the cold tinged and crisp air as deeply as possible into my lungs.

     My visions of Autumn are of crisp and clear skies where one feels able to see for miles into distant worlds, the colours of deciduous leaves turning into a tapestry of blazing colour carpeting the ground in an all too temporary  patchwork blanket that you wish you wrap around yourself, of Cock Robin with his bright chest an ever present companion in my eyes peripheral vision, the low sun casting longer shadows through crisp air and of a fire’s dancing flames as they consume wood and branches hewn from the land.

     Autumn touches my body in different ways that are perhaps harder to describe. The textures of plants change giving them a rough feeling on my hands as they retreat into their roots for the winter that lies ahead, there is the heat from fires which is countered by the cold air seesawing as I move back and forth feeding the flames from piles of garden debris, early morning moisture makes everything feel damp and gives the air a coolness against my skin that never truly retreats in the weak Autumn sun and the increasing cold inevitable causes my aging bones to ache a tad more each season reminding my of injuries past and of my own mortality.

     Hearing is the the sense that is perhaps dulled by the onset of Autumn, fallen leaves masking the tread upon the ground, early morning mist (or more often all day mist up in these hills) dampening all sound and wrapping the world in its heavy blanket, few birds sing now but the ever present Robins still bring a smile with their shrill warnings to each other as they compete around me on freshly upturned soil and as the winds increase there is a chatter to the trees as their now bare branches sway in unison and shed their dead limbs to regenerate the soil beneath skeletal canopies. There is also a silence to the gardens as the buzz of insects dies away hopefully only to to return when the air warms again

     Ah and what of the taste of Autumn? I think that many of the scents that Autumn brings on chill winds can also be found touching my tongue, taste such as woodsmoke, the decay of vegetation and there even is a taste to the air itself. But let us be honest for the once, the taste of Autumn for me is of stinking hot coffee, sweet and black from my flask, tis of thick stews full of course cut earthy vegetables and chunky mouthfuls of tender beef or chicken, of thick and warming curries that make the tongue tingle with flavoursome heat, yep all the good heavily calorific food that make one’s arteries scream noooo but taste so good and make coming in from the cold such joy, oh and there is not only the taste of coffee to enjoy but evenings sipping hot toddies of whiskey, sugar (or honey) and boiled water for purely ahem medicinal purposes of course.

    Yes I truly enjoy the assault on my senses that Autumn brings with it, but there is an another feeling that I enjoy at this time of year, tis that of renewal, planning and expectation. I find that most people I talk to think of Autumn as a time of decay and dieback, a time to shun the outside world and hide away until lady Spring unfurls her green dress tails and renewal begins once more. But for me more than ever, Autumn is the time that renewal begins as Mother Nature lays down her foundations for the burst of Spring. There is the trees gift of nutrition from its fallen leaves, the resting of soils ready to support the next years emergence of new growth, of the planning ahead for the warmer season. For me the land is beginning to rest and renew at this time of year and it fills me with an expectation of growth and renewal. There’s also to fact that the shorter daylight hours mean that I can spend more time in my workshop plotting further, bringing more machinery back to life and sipping that stinking hot black and oh so sickly sweet coffee, tis not a bad time of year at all m’thinks.

Till the next time, take care folks,

John

     

Hidden danger…..

     Now there is a title that could be considered “click bait “ if ever I read one (or scribed one in this case), but it is relatively apt for this particular post of mine. 

    It was last year that I took my first tentative steps into changing my work model by staring to use my previous role as a factory engineer to tread into the world of servicing and the repair of garden machinery. The ultimate aim being to reduce the more physical gardening work that I undertake and replace it with another viable source of income. 

    Unfortunately I overlooked a major shortcoming of my workshop (yes one of many) and that is its thermal insulation properties or, truth to say, lack of any thermal insulation properties in the slightest. Over the winter I ended up feeling the greatest empathy with a brass monkey living in Antarctica without the means to reattach his external and now free rolling spherical items. So this year I determined that I would take steps to insulate the fridge workshop to prevent further frostbite to fingers and other extremities, I didn’t.

    That was until the last week or so when the temperature began to drop and my other brain cell (not the one I retain for movement) hazily recalled last year’s ‘blue period’. With time now against me to insulate the workshop, or tidy it, or organise it, or sort the electrics, or install a decent rock friendly music system or any of the other myriad of jobs on the bleedin’ to do list, I came up with a solution. After some serious and in depth research (watched a couple of You Tube videos) I have purchased myself one of those relatively cheap (though not in the slightest cheerful) Chinese diesel heaters that keep flashing up on my feeds at this time of year.

    Now I have had some experience with Chinese manufacturing over time, especially regarding the expansion into garden machinery that is now happening. This expansion is not just in the cheap brands that no one recognises but on top of the range brands such as Sthil and others. My own experiences have led me to avoid Chinese products as I would avoid a bubonic plague carrier who also had a limp, of course this is only my opinion. But all the myriad of videos (three, maybe four tops) that my in depth research comprised of swayed me to the idea of purchasing said heater. Cost, including running costs, being probably the main, ease of setup (I needed a heater quickly) and simplicity of the device being the factors that stood out.

    So the limping plague carrier arrived in a timely fashion and well packaged to boot. A young associate whom shall henceforth be known as “Dan the man” popped along for the afternoon’s entertainment of installing the heater and we quickly had the thing up and running. Tis noisier than anticipated but not too bad that it’ll disturb the ambiance of the workshop. There are a couple of modifications I would like to achieve with it, sturdier fuel pipe, better fuel filter and the ability to run it on used cooking oil. But these can wait until after I have trailed it for the winter and the temperature is such that I don’t require its services. 

    Now to the post title, the heater was indeed easier to install than anticipated with the most difficult part being exiting the exhaust pipe through the workshop wall. Not that difficult as I got Dan the man to make the wall more religious (holy? Oh never mind). After the initial fuel priming the heater started up with no fuss and churned out enough heat on its lower setting so happy days, or not. We hung around for some time chewing the cud whilst I finished off some miner machine jobs and that was it, job done. Next morning I felt rough, dizzy and decidedly “off”*. A thought kept nagging at my non movement dedicated brain cell so I popped into to workshop and investigated the heater with a little more caution than the gay abandon installation consisted of on the previous day. Sure enough I discovered a potentially fatal floor in the assembly of the heater, specifically the exhaust pipe connection to the machine. The exhaust pipe is a flimsy item and is secured to the exhaust outlet via a single jubilee clip, being flimsy the pipe had distorted a tad under connection but enough to allow some exhaust gases to escape into the workshop and not be completely expelled to the wild blue (well grey and overcast) yonder. In hindsight , and with my experience, I should have checked this on assembly but the connection point is a bloody pain in the arse to get to and also in the excitement of  imminent  heat I had put aside my usual caution and doubt about the manufacturing source of the heater.

    The issue was quickly resolved with the purchase of respected exhaust paste sealant and also that of a carbon monoxide monitor to be the safe side. 

    I can now report that the workshop is a tad warmer and fume free apart from engine start ups and testing. The real test for the heater will be when the temperature drops to brass monkey worrying levels but that’s for the future. I only write this post as a warning to folk, not about Chinese products, but rather there are certain things that should only be attempted by trained or skilled people. I consider myself as such a person but complacency could have resulted in much more harm than just feeling “off”. Carbon monoxide is a silent killer and care must taken when installing or using items that produce it, the same can be said for most of the machinery that I use or repair although I would not call a chainsaw a silent killer, more of a screaming “oh god, oh god its hurts and where’s all that blood coming from” type of killer.

Take care folks,

John

* Off… a feeling of illness that defies logical description (especially with a limited vocabulary such as mine)

Rain…..

      …..Or the lack of it. I have to stretch my limited brain cells to remember when was the last time that I experienced the constant high temperatures and lack of rainfall that has dominated this year’s weather. The only comparison I can remember that comes close is the summer of 1976, which was also notable for a massive increase in the numbers of Ladybirds that season. I admit that ‘76 was some time ago and I was a mere scamp of a lad not yet a teenager and somewhat of a recluse, but my overall recollection of that particular summer was that it was indeed bloody hot.

      The last week or so has seen some relief in the form of some light showers though not enough to make a difference to the rock hard soil and struggling flora and fauna. What is not needed at the this time are massive downpours, but rather a couple or more weeks of steady rainfall that will soak into the soil without washing it away as heavier rainfall would do. For myself there is one particular site that I am concerned about, and that is the small section of Offa’s dyke that I have begun working upon…..

       The pictures above show the area before clearing whilst the pictures below show the West face of the dyke after clearing of mainly bramble and gorse with several saplings that had taken hold….

      The ‘after’ pictures do not show the surface very well but there are three main areas of previous damage, two of which are man made whilst the third is an area of water run off that has resulted in the loss of a large amount of soil over time.

     I had left the clearing for as long as possible and when the promise of light rain was forecast the decision was made to go ahead. Fingers crossed now that for once the forecasts are right and heavy rain will hold off at least until the flora has regenerated a tad helping to hold the surface soil in place. 

    There are quite a few constraints when working on the dyke, all put in place to protect what is these days a welsh national monument. I have to admit I do find this slightly odd os the dyke was apparently built by those folk upon the east side, who are later destined to become English, as a show of strength and power to the pesky tribes upon the west side who would later become the wonderful folk known as the welsh. I digress, as part of the constraints one is not allowed to dig up any roots but this causes an issue of the regeneration of unwanted flora in the long run (I will not use herbicides). On most areas of the dyke that are being cared for, or where restoration in being carried out this is not really an issue as the cleared areas can be managed using livestock but in the small garden setting that this project is within, it will have to be regular mechanical grazing* that will be the control. Care and thought will have to flow in abundance to produce a natural looking meadow using this technique m'thinks.

      Besides the real possibility of more soil erosion on this area there was another, perhaps more worrying, aspect that came to light. Normally when clearing an area in a unkept garden with a similar overgrown outlook, the amount of wildlife found within can be quite staggering. From invertebrates to small mammals and birds there is usually a large amount of displaced fauna and the signs of activity it leaves. Here though, there was bugger all apart from some old and disused vole/mouse holes. Whether or not the prolonged hot weather is in some way responsible I don't know, but I do know that I have not come across an area so devoid of fauna in an outdoor setting before. Hopefully the introduction of a 'low meadow' ** environment will encourage fauna levels to increase and diversify, time will tell.

     As I return to complete this post I have to report that I have just emerged from a hot shower after getting  soaked through to me underpants during this mornings work. The work was putting up the rear of a retaining garden wall with breeze blocks. The rain was not heavy enough to stop me putting up the wall but after I had finished it had soaked through all layers of clothing (Note to self, really need to improve my inclement weather clothing this season). The outer skin of the wall will consist of brick and will have to wait for better weather to produce the finish I want, well I try still to maintain my high standards of workmanship you know. Hopefully the rain will persist with the same intensity for some time as the soil will be able to draw the moisture in at these levels instead of heavier rainfall causing the water to run off leaving the under soil untouched and removing to surface layers. 

   This afternoon’s work is going to be a non starter due to the inclement weather though there are plenty of machines awaiting my delicate touch in the workshop. So I think another brew is required and off to the workshop I will be going. Till the next time take care and enjoy life.

Notes :-

*  Mechanical grazing, A term that I use for the use of lawnmowers and strimming instead of animal grazing. In this instance all cut materials have to be removed so as not to enrich the soil to prevent wild flora from bolting.

** Low meadow, A term that I use to describe a particular type of managed meadow that I implement in certain circumstances when the tall unkempt type of meadow is not wanted within a garden setting, but rather a less overpowering visage is required . Plants used include clovers, Selfheal, fox n cubs, birds foot trefoil, yellow rattle etc..

     

It’s been awhile hasn’t it……

      Greetings people, apologies for the lack of communications of late but life has been a tad hectic to say the least. Finally found some time to write and breath a little, although this be the shortest of posts just to prove that I am alive and well (well as an rotund aging Welshman may be that is) and not serving time for some heinous crime.

     Short list of happenings of which I shall write/bemoan in more detail at a later date…

• Yep I do indeed have an enlarged prostrate although it is not cancerous by all accounts.
• Finally started work upon the small section of Offa’s Dyke (last week in fact)
• Garden business going well apart from the lack of any rainfall to speak of since March (although tis raining as my two chubby digits type out these words).
• Workshop business ticking over nicely though the workshop is still a right bloody mess.
• Actually started some jobs around the house making G a very happy bunny.

     Off to the very nice town of Shrewsbury on the morrow, yes I am actually taking time off (occasionally that be) for a wander and peruse around the shops and indoor market. So a typical “not a lot has changed” last few months though there have been one or two incidents that may well lighten future posts.

All the best for now…

A big step m’thinks…

     Now I was definitely, and I mean definitely even thrice definitely not going to be taking on any more clients on the gardening side of my daily workload. I had drawn this line in the sand in the run up to my holiday back in the month of May due to several (well a few) factors. Firstly I have a habit of not saying no to more work, probably a throw back to when I had to take on whatever work I could find back in the fledgling years of “Suburban Wildlife Gardener”, which means I always now seem to have too much work, although this is a positive negative m’thinks. Secondly because of my success time is limited to spend time with G, complete much needed tasks at home, write more than a line on this blog and work on my own bleedin’ garden. Thirdly the machinery servicing and repair work in t’ Orc’s Workshop has been ticking over better than expected whereas I was thinking that it would be more seasonally restricted to late autumnal and winter work. So to take on any more clients would be bloody stupid wouldn’t it?

    But then whilst away in Cornwall I received a message upon my telephone after a missed call (yes I still do not answer calls from unknown numbers) that sparked my interest a tad. Words contained within said message such as “unusual, wildlife inclusive, local and with perhaps odd and challenging restrictions” were banded around. After talking to G, I decided to respond and arranged a meeting with a gentleman, name of Jeremy, after our break with the notion that it would have to be something very special for me to even consider taking on more work. It was and is something very special, something that will be rewarding and may even lead to other things less back breaking for my decrepit body.

     When I first arrived at Jeremy’s garden I was met with a bubbly, enthusiastic and pleasant gentleman in a garden that at first glance really did not excite me, shabby twee were the words that came to mind if I was asked to describe it. The garden was maintained all but for a raised bank that runs along the bottom of it with its facing side a tangle of gorse, brambles and other strong growing British natives, the rear of the bank is a mixture of mature trees (not all native), saplings and some laurels producing an area of dry and very shaded aspect….

Front aspect

Rear aspect

    The site piqued my interest, simply because of the challenges of gardening on an obviously very difficult site but not enough to think of taking on the remit of making the site blend into the garden more and at the same time encouraging a much more wildlife attracting area. Even Jeremy’s tale of chasing my van for several miles down the Wrexham bypass to photograph my contact details did not seal the deal. But what did genuinely make me grasp this opportunity with both my clammy little hands was what this mound that runs through Jeremy’s and his neighbours gardens actually is. This mound is actually a part of Offa’s dyke, which basically is an earthen work mound and ditch that runs the length of the English/Welsh border and is of national importance. Built over a thousand years ago with many parts still visible to this day this is a hugely important archaeological site and to be asked to work upon it is an amazing thing, though of course I will still be charging a huge fee for my services! 

    Already since the initial meet up with Jeremy I have attended a site meeting with a rather pleasant gentleman from Cadw called Guy and yesterday another site meeting with Guy and a charming young lady, the Offa’s dyke projects officer by the name of Helen. Both of these individuals are knowledgeable and very enthusiastic people and I am looking forwards to working with them on this project. These meetings are the initial steps of sharing my ideas and their ideas, discussing restrictions and forming strategies going forwards. It promises to be an extremely challenging yet rewarding long term process and who can say where it may lead to?

      So interesting times lie ahead and hopefully I’ll be able to find time to write more and keep you updated on my adventures.

Just a Toad in my tea mug.....

      Ah well the holiday is over and back to work today, bey ho. I was chatting to one of my machinery clients yesterday evening when my next door neighbour but one shouts across do I want this frog that's stuck in her bin for my garden. My first reply was how on earth did it get into the bin (these being the tall wheely bins with a lid) and my second comment was that's not a frog but a year old toad. I like toads as they're butt ugly and make me look almost handsome, a difficult thing in the poorest of lights m'thinks . With myself a little bit on the stumpy size it was up to my client Dan the man to fish the little bugger out of the bin. I placed him in my tea mug whilst chatting with Dan the man when a sideways glance presented us with this scene...

      Not too worry as no tea was wasted as I'd drank it afore inserting the toad now known as 'Steve McQueen'. Mr McQueen has since been released into my garden where hopefully he'll give up his feats of daring do!

Reflective mood....

       We’re having a quiet bank holiday down in Cornwall after a week of visiting various places in (and outside of the county), just nice to chill a little and plan the remaining days of our holiday afore the drive home and the return to the daily routine of sleep, eat and work. Whilst here we celebrated my birthday which was a milestone that I wouldn’t have imagined reaching during the very dark years after my breakdown and divorce. The milestone being…

 

      I don't remember getting this old and I certainly don't feel it (though my joints tell me differently) but here I am, smashing it as an old grumpy bastard. 

      The holiday (first decent break together for nearly a decade!) and the milestone has certainly put me in a reflective mood and thoughts of retirement are circling around the edges of my mind. I'm certainly not ready for retirement as I don't feel old, I thoroughly enjoy my work and financial it is certainly not an option at this moment in time. 

      I have thought though that now is the time to start preparing and also making small changes to my life. I definitely need to make time to spend time with G, as the majority of time we are living like two Japanese sewerage shift workers (two nips in the shite). So I'm taking every Friday off from the time we return home which means no garden work nor machinery repairs just time with my love. I also need to check upon the couple of factory pensions that I have ignored since leaving the grind those years ago. I am definitely improving in my financial control these days and it is nice to see the bank account increasing rather than alternating betwixt black and red.

 

     There is also the question of health, or in my case lack of health. I am, by my reckoning a couple of stone or 30lbs American, oversized and this needs to be addressed. Also I have, and for far too long ignored, the signs of an oversized prostate so I'm booking myself in to be checked out as well as I'm going to be screened for bowel cancer (tis a thing the Welsh NHS other every couple of years when the old age bus hits you).

      

 On a positive note I recently have stopped taking the happy pills for my depression and I am doing ok without them at the moment. I'm not saying that I have beaten the black dog but I do think that I have given the bitch a damn good kicking at least for now.

      So no thought of retirement as yet but definitely thoughts on making life a tad better and easier. Retirement, I like to think, may come around in another decade but obviously there are unknowns that may change that opinion. I actually don't think that I will ever fully retire as I would be bored out of my tiny mind.

      Time to sign off now as we're heading into Falmouth for a late lunch and a leisurely stroll around the waterfront.

Stone me...

       Just a couple of pictures from today's early morning visit to the 'henge'....

     It actually touched me on so many levels including the how, the why and with the deepest feelings of connection that I've felt in many a year... Yes I'll be back with G of course and it makes me want to do something....err.. something more with my life, don't know just cannot explain what or why and this is some hours later on the way back to the cottage we're staying at in Cornwall.

Phew….

     Well after the last few months tribulations I am finally able to draw a breath. My family (or lack of a family) issues are kind of behind me now, though certainly not forgotten and still festering within me with an internal anger that I think would be unwise to allow out as the damage caused would perhaps be irreversible. The gardening side of work has been extremely full on, especially with the unseasonably dry weather we’ve experienced over the last couple of months. The machine servicing and repair side of work has ticked over reasonably but has had to take a back seat somewhat to the gardening, as has household chores and improvements. To be honest I am absolutely bloody knackered, what with the amount of work I’ve taken on of late and with some health issues that I am currently struggling to cope with. On the other hand, for the first time in a millennium the bank balance is looking healthy although this is going to take a kicking this week as the work beast of burden (the frog van) is in dry dock for some prospectively expensive repair work. There always seems to be something to snatch the money from my arse pocket just when I think I might actually make a true success from my business, I guess at my age I should bloody well know better!

     But tis not all doom and gloom because I am scribbling this first post in a long time from sunny Cornwall on the first full day of our two week (yep that’s two weeks) holiday, hence the ‘phew’ title. Yes it’s two weeks without pay but the prospect of time for myself and the wonderful G to have a reset and for my worn out body to recover somewhat has been a long time coming and cannot have a price put on it. 

     I’ll leave you with a picture of the view from where we enjoyed brunch this morning and hopefully it won’t be such a long time until the next post….

Thanks…

      Just like to say a heartfelt thank you for the kind words and support on my previous posts, truly means a lot to me and perhaps I am mistaken in thinking that all folk are idiots 🙂

Family..

     There is an old saying that goes something like “you can chose your friends, but you cannot chose your family”. Over the last couple of weeks I have truly become to fully understand the meaning of these few words and at this point in time I am filled with an inward rage that threatens to burst out of me and harm everything that has become good within my life. I shall share no details at the moment, perhaps never, but tis sufficient to say that I am not in a particular good place at the moment.

Well knock me over and call me Susan….

     ….the response to my fledgling machine service and repair business has been a tad more overwhelming than anticipated, hence the lack of posting since “Back in the room”! With that and the weather allowing an upturn in the gardening side of things I have been running around like a headless chicken of late, a bloody cold headless chick at that, trying to keep on top of things and provide folk with a reliable and almost friendly service. I have to admit that although I have been as busy as feck I have yet to see much fruit in the form of profit from this new venture as I seem to be buying more and more tools for the business, some to replace stuff that’s not up to standard and others that I do not possess. Also I am finding that when ordering a service kit I am tending to order multiple so as to cut down on the turn around time for returning machinery. It is certainly a struggle to get my head around the demand and I am definitely learning to be far more organised, although not as well as I should be.

    In other news I have a doctor’s appointment in a couple or so weeks (must remember to check the date and time). I have, of late, been consumed with why the hell I can be so bleeding difficult to live with, making life for the lovely G somewhat of a struggle at times. I have had a tendency to blame my mental health, i.e. my depression but lately I starting thinking that perhaps that was taking an easy way out to explain some (if not a hell of a lot) of my behaviour. I shalt not go into detail at this point except to say that at least I am not a twat bad person, but sometimes I feel that G could merrily take a shotgun to my head causing death via much deserved (probably) lead poisoning.

     I read an article about ADHD within adults and it listed many of the telltale signs associated with it. I reckon that on that list of probably 25 to 30 markers I could happily associate with ninety per cent of them, mmmmm. Being the sceptical little bugger that I am I decided to research more sources of information and the penny began the droppeth, albeit with a very heavy thud. I talked to G about this and although she did not laugh there was a certain shine in eyes when she said that she had been thinking this for a very long time but was loath to mention it as I have a habit of brushing my health off and also blaming my depression. Soooo…we have arranged a visit to the doctor’s with the view of discussing the possibility of me having ADHD and being referred to the appropriate experts in the field.

    Funny enough the realisation that I may have ADHD has not have a negative effect on my state of mind , rather quite the opposite. For years I have blamed outside influences for some of my behavioural patterns. Whether it was the Black Dog of depression or the effects of my past life, but the fact that there may well be a reason for the way I am at times and that knowledge, instead of myself trying but unable to explain myself  has indeed given me a lift. Nothing is certain yet and we shall see where this journey may lead, but I am hopeful that better times are ahead.

Back in the room….

       Well I guess I owe you gentle readers an apology and an explanation for my tardiness and lack of posts lately. I shall then release you from the torment of wondering and avail you of the reason. It is quite simple really, a while ago I managed to blag my way into an appointment with my local GP, which is quite an achievement within itself m’thinks, I had done someone to my lower back which prevented me from working and getting any sleep whatsoever no matter what position I assumed within the bed (steady now I am referring to positions of sleep and nothing more).

     Whilst discussing my ailing and decrepit body’s symptoms, my GP was also reviewed my medical history being as it had been a good few years since my last visit. She noted that I was still on the maximum dose of happy pills (anti depressants) at which point I had to sheepishly admit to a little bit of self medication in that I had reduced my dosage during covid. The reason for this action was that I had simply not been ‘present in the room’ and it was having a hugely negative effect upon my relationship with my beloved G. I didn’t know what was the cause of my mental absence but I desperately needed to do something before I lost everything. I have been down that rabbit hole in the past and I could not face it again, and the fear of it just forced my hand to do something. The only thing I could think of was my medication so I reduced it with the knowledge that reducing my dosage could lead to other problems. 

     My GP asked me by how much I had reduced it by noting that anything more than a ten per cent drop could really cause a person some adverse reactions and symptoms that can last for a couple of weeks at the the least. She was definitely right about the negative effects for when I had reduced my medication did I bloody well suffer, not sleeping at all to sleeping all day, appetite varying immensely from day to day and generally feeling like a bag of camel poo. But it worked, even though I was feeling crap it was more physical than mental and as the days past, I became more and more ‘with it’, so to speak. When pressed I admitted to actually halving my medication, well it was the easiest option being as my daily 200mg prescribed dosage was in two 100mg tablets!

      With a wry smile she asked if I was prepared to reduce my dosage again being as I was coping ok on my present dosage to which I agreed. With a rather sinister smile she said that my new prescription would take effect when the present one ran out. I asked her how much of a reduction and she replied “oh fifty per cent should do the trick”. To be honest she was not as glib as I make out and we did discuss the issue in more depth and as to whether or not I would cope. So agreeing to the reduction with the caveat that I would contact her immediately if I felt it was affecting my health adversely with the view of returning immediately to my previous levels of happy pills, we discussed my aching back.

     And finally we come to the reason for the absence of myself from the blogosphere. Two or three weeks ago my ‘new’ medication started and guess what? Yep I have been feeling crap for some time and have only just started feeling myself once more (well at least one of my selves). I admit that I came close to going back to the former level but I am nothing if not a right stubborn bugger and I feel that in this case my stubbornness has paid off handsomely. Sleep patterns are far improved, diet is good (and relatively healthy) and I am no longer getting through the working day (and evening but I’ll address that in another post). Oh and my back is relatively ok, it’s just the rest of me that’s bolloxed!

     So there you have it, my absence explained and I am now back in the room as they say, though who the bloody hell “they” are I don’t have the foggiest!

John

Staff relations….

     Introducing my rodential travelling companion, Claude Van Mouse….

    Now he may be a tad upon the small side and able to travel in the cup holder of my carriage d’ work (that will be my van then), but he is a cute little sod and is company whilst I travel from job to job. He has been complaining though about the cold of late stating in his own high pitched voice that “it has been cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey and it is high time that I had more consideration for his working conditions!”. I am use to his whinging but I did not realise that he was so nautical in his choice of words. I reminded him that he is just a stuffed mouse after all and that the cold has no effect upon him whatsoever. His response was a quite appalling dialogue that would make a navvy blush with the only repeatable word being, and I quote “bollox”. After this I decided to make amends for my lack of employee care and have provided him with appropriate PPE….

    He is still not happy though complaining that “he cannot see a bloody thing”, there is just no pleasing such peasants is there…

John

Knackered be I ….

     I have been trying to post and reply to comments upon my previous post for a couple of days now but to no avail. Truth be told that the thawed white shite, er snow now means that I am now bloody knackered playing catch up with folks gardens, and by the time I’ve showered and eaten I am buggered if I can put my one typing finger to use! 

    So just to let you know good folk that all is well (apart from the knackered bit that is) I’m scribing these few lines and also have replied to said comments before I head up the wooden hills to bed shire. Speaking of comments, I also deleted my first spam comment, must be getting popular or something. Oh and quickly, I took delivery of my first lawnmower to be repaired in t’ workshop so things are slowly moving in that area.

   Right two percentage of power left on me iPad (much prefer me pc to be honest which is strange because I am not a very pc nor certainly not a woke type at all) one percent, bugger. Take care and I shall endeavour to provide a decent read over the next day two…or three..

John

Idle musings...

     Well all work 'til at least Tuesday has been cancelled for the moment as the ground is rock hard with the ice and snow showing not much sign of receding as of yet. Though surprisingly, although still bereft of finances, I am coping rather mentally well at the moment.

    Today I have given the workshop clearance a miss and spent a quiet yet productive day with my G. We have booked two weeks holiday down in Cornwall for my impending month of May 'big birthday', although gawd knows how we are going to pay for it if this monetary stagnation continues. I actually braved the torturous bathroom device to weigh myself and have unexpectedly lost five pounds in weight (have not got that amount in sterling pounds) in just under two weeks, even after our visit to the chippy yesterday (miracles can happen!). I tried in vain yesterday to find any books on Tai Chi in the library as I want to find something different than my physically challenging work to help with my bodies 'modification', so I guess I will have to search the rabbit's hole of You tube for some instructional videos, though I did come away with a rather hefty tomb of one hundred classic ghost stories and a book on the Viking history of Britain.

    I have even managed today to get around Facebook's marketplace way of stopping people advertising their services, such as my own machinery servicing and repair sideline, with a cunningly worded advert. I have to admit that more and more things seem turned against the small sole trader like myself. I cannot advertise my services upon Facebook. the council has banned sole traders (well any traders) from using refuse sites, it just feels like that there is no support for small businesses like my own whilst large conglomerates can reap as much as they want from the world. Apologies as I don't usually become 'political' but sometimes frustration at the status quo gets the better of me. Anyway, already today I have the promise of three lawnmowers coming to the workshop this week, though I do not count my chickens until they indeed arrive. It appears that all the effort of late clearing part of the workspace may well begin to payoff. Hopefully this will mark the start of the Orc's Workshop becoming a profitable source of income running alongside my gardening adventures. Keeping upon this theme I have a website that I originally setup for the gardening business though I have not kept up with it for some years now. I am considering revamping the website and use it to advertise the Orc's Workshop. The workshop, in the long run is not going to be solely dedicated to garden machinery maintenance but rather split between that and other projects such as wildlife home construction (bird boxes and the like), furniture and hand tool refurbishment/upcycling. Basically using my skill set to its full limits from my engineering skills to my artistic skills. Perhaps your thoughts upon this proposed venture would be appreciated?

    So tomorrow will be spent once again in the Arctic coldness of the workshop with even more of the hokey cokey of moving, sorting and organising the sodding mess that remains there. Oh and I dug out my old bridge camera today so hopefully (after I learn to use it again) I will be able to share some half decent pictures of my adventures with you. So for now stay warm folks.

John

Visitor from the past?...

     Well I must say that I am now finding this weather bloody tedious at the moment and it is causing me to struggle keeping positive somewhat. I mentioned in a previous post about my lack of finances after yule, a problem no doubt felt by many, but not actually being able to do something about it because of the weather and unable to see my out of this particular hole anytime soon is a bugger. I must admit to feeling that it would not take much for me to drop to the point where the Black Dog will begin gnawing upon the bones of my mind. I suppose one positive is that at the moment I am still aware of my state of mind and the cause of my gloom. It is when I become unconscious of my state of mind the issue becomes a very major thing.

    With these gloomy thoughts I headed up to the workshop to hopefully clear some more small space. I leave the door open when I am in residence at the moment, hopefully the view of the mounds of  "useful items" seen through the entrance, piled very high now as the nerve center (the bit where I sit, think and drink copious amounts of coffee) becomes more steadily more clear, will deter even the most determined thief from pilfering from me. I actually am beginning to think that said thieves may even take pity and start offering donations for the restoration of the Orc's Workshop, well a Welshman only can dream. There is another reason for leaving the door open though it alerts my neighbors that I am in residence and a couple of them do like to come over for a chat once in awhile, usually to escape from their wives I believe, so it is nice to provide a useful public service. Also as previously mentioned the workshop is in such a bloody cold hole at this time of year, I think that the open door may even make it warmer some strange and mystic way.

     As I dragged another box to be sorted the piping call of a Robin could be heard, looking up I espied him upon one of the roofs rafters. I am one that believes that Robins perhaps carry the soul of a loved one lost so I am always warmed to see one, especially when one is very near me. I moved over to one of the boxes of wild bird seed that I fill my feeders in the garden with and place a handful of seed on its lid. Literally the cheeky sod was on the box before I had taken two steps away and quite happily began feeding as if I was not there at all. The present spat of weather is obviously being hard on the wildlife as well as my mind. After a few moments watching him I returned to the box I had dragged out to sort to find it full of my father's old tools that had been there since I had cleared his shed out after his passing a few years ago. Normally the sight of them would bring me pangs of regret and sadness at his loss but as I bent over the box I looked up to see that the Robin had flitted to within a couple of feet and was regarding me with his bright eyes. Coincidence possibly, I honestly do not know and as we regarded each other I just felt good inside, I have no other words to describe it but just "good inside". Within a few heartbeats he returned to the box lid and I resumed my sorting but with perhaps the smallest spring in my step, make of this what you will but I have a feeling that not everything can be explained with logic nor with science.

Workshop visit 

     As for the workshop,  well at least one area is now clear enough for my to start actually being productive so after posting this I shall be advertising my garden machinery servicing and repair service upon Facebook market place. I am also going to sort out some of my timber this weekend, for pieces suitable  for the construction of bird boxes, starting with sparrow terraces, and general roosting boxes (both bird and bat) m'thinks. So at least I can now be occupied with that and hopefully the pennies will start coming in again.

Space to breathe at last

    Tomorrow be another day (obviously duh!) and G is off so I think a visit to the local fish & chip shop is in order and we can also spend time together planning the year ahead (she does like a list does G). Yes I know a visit to the chippy restaurant may not be the healthiest of options but I am not sacrificing small, once in awhile pleasures as these are the things that help life bearable at times. Also sitting in there people watching, especially in Wrexham, can sometimes be hilarious and also the majority of the clientele are of the blue rinse brigade and it is not often I can go somewhere this days and feel positively spritely.

til the next time be good or at least careful..

John

It is bloody cold...

     Well that is just bloody typical is it not?, I spend months, nay years moaning to clients, neighbors, Bramble in fact to anyone is foolish enough to get within hearing range of my perpetual whining, about how we are losing our seasons and that the effects upon gardening and indeed upon nature are becoming more and more serious. Then we get bloody snow....in Winter for Odin's sake! Not only do we have that one type of weather that really does stop my gardening business in its tracks, tonight's forecast is for minus (yes bloody minus) seven degrees Celsius, with more of the same until at least the weekend. Hellfire its just not bloody well right, not right at all. To tell truth I do welcome this cold snap and the return of a season to something like it should be, but there is the timing of it….just after Yule, when my finances resemble those of a church mouse that has just been robbed of all his cheese by a scrawny band of weasels and now has the curds and whey tax collector banging at his little arched doorway demanding his due! I know that the Northern gods are a cruel bunch of buggers at the best of times with little care for rotund gardeners, but it would have been nice to have a least a month of earning before they decided to bring back Winter, makes you wonder if the sods care at all.

    Faced with another day of trying to avoid working in my bitterly cold, un-heated, un-insulated and very drafty workshop, I despaired at my ill fortune. Another problem this brings is that I am trying to eat differently and also increase my physical activity in order to shed the odd pound (re stone) or two, and moping in the house does not aid either. So, rather grudgingly I trudged up the path to my workshop's entrance (my grand estate, ahem, lies betwixt two roads, with the driveway opening onto the smaller, never to be cleared by the council one) to observe that once again community spirit within the village has albeit died a grim death. The  majority of the residents along this road have managed to use just enough salt from the council’s “do it your bloody self” provided yellow receptacles to enable the release of just their own vehicle from the snows icy grip. Those who are not physically able to clear their own drives and the road adjacent are left to fend for themselves. With a shrug of my shoulders I pulled my wheelbarrow and shovel from the van and began my "every time it bloody snows routine" of  clearing and salting the areas along to road that have been left to the gods (have I mentioned about the Northern gods lack of care lately?) to hopefully make access easier for all. To be honest my next-door neighbor 'Baldey Man' is usually beside me at these times but he has only gone and damaged his back, there will be no sympathy from me I can tell you. Another neighbour , whom I hold in quiet disdain (long ish story) did actually come out after a while and offer to help but to be honest he was about as effective as a pair of breasts upon a mackerel. But all was not lost as at least I got a physical workout (very physical) and it kept me from snacking upon all that tastes soooo good, but then conspires to fatten me up ready to be a pagan sacrifice.

    After this I dragged myself back to the house for a protein biased meal (that does seem to fill me and lasts longer before my belly begins its hungry lies) and the obligatory cup of tea. Feeling sated I returned to the workshop and braved a couple of bitterly cold hours before having to pick up G from work. G is from that foreign land down south, Londinium I believe the soothsayers call it, and in her years of driving has not really encountered the white stuff and lacks a little confidence when it drops. Therefore tis my duty, nay honor to ferry her back and forth to work at these times (do not get me started on t'other drivers at this point). I did not achieve a great deal in this time, just more tiding, finding the majority of missing mower parts and I have stripped down the rear roller of said mower to try and find a reason for a drive bracket failing (the original reason that it turned up in the Orc's Workshop nay on two years ago).

    Unfortunately no fault with the internals of the roller could I discern, but at least it will be cleaned, degreased and put back together on my next venture into the freezer. And that is about it for this ramble, tis time to make myself a hot toddy for my sore throat (honestly?) and then head to the land of nod, I wonder if I shall dream tonight, probably of frostbite if I do. 

    'till the next time take care and be kind folk,

John

Rambling on...

     Funny things dreams are they not? Some people believe that they are omens for future happenings, others that they come from the past and some folk just do not give them a thought either way. For myself I tend to remain openminded, perhaps they are born from memories past or even that they may sometimes stem from things beyond our knowledge, so I treat them with some skepticism but do not entirely dismiss them. What has brought this line of thought to these pages? Well it is always been the case of the last decade or so that the festive season proves to a most difficult time for me mentally, with the threat of my depression swallowing my mind. This year though has been different in some ways, yes the feelings that feed my issues have been there once again but at night when I slumber dreams have come to me with an intensity that I have rarely known. The scenarios that these dreams bring to me are orientated around my father usually as the central character. There are many things in these dreams that have not rung true to actual life experience's involving the rest of my family, but my father's appearances in them are always true to how I remember him. I will not go into detail about my family and the reasons for myself gradually being ostracised from them in the years after my father's passing but these reasons account for a lot of my downward spiral at this supposedly festive tine of year. But the dreams with my father within seem to have steadied my mindset a tad and this year the mood has been a smidgen lighter m'thinks. Perhaps there is something in these dreams that is there trying to reach out and help me, maybe or it just may be coincidence I am truly not sure.

    Todays snow has but paid to any outdoorsy type activities and tomorrows hedge lowering looks like a no go as I write. I guess that tomorrow will mean a brass monkey day in the Orc's Workshop with me ruing once more not insulting the bloody cold hole that it is this time of year. I should not moan though (though moaning is my forte) as I have complained many times of the last couple of years that the seasons are all shot to hell with flora and fauna not knowing what season they are in. Tis actually nice to have a decent cold snap over winter and I hope that it continues for sometime.

    I did mention in my previous post that I would perchance be scribing about my garden, well with today allotted as a rare day off I was hoping that the three hundred canes would be implemented within my small plot but the snow up here has certainly put paid to that escapade and its subsequent lofty story telling of the reasons for them. Well you will just have to wait I am afraid, but, just as a taster warning it has something to do with feline miscreants.

    Well that's another musing that really does not gel, but at least it is keeping me writing here, which I do enjoy somewhat. But please don't tell anyone as I have my reputation to consider.

John